Scented Candle Expectations

I’ve been perusing The Hairpin, and Kelly Conaboy’s scented candle reviews are truly excellent. I have written my own scented candle nonsense, but it got me thinking about my actual candle-related expectations. You’d think having only ever bought maybe five candles ever, and at least two because I thought Mr. Squish would like them, that I wouldn’t have strong feelings about this.

But I do, dear reader. Continue reading Scented Candle Expectations

Stupid Haikus 3

The haiku is a classic Japanese poetry form, and the best poets use it to convey emotion, scenery, and a sense of place. Haiku is often also used to convey the essence of seasons.

These are haikus only in so much that I am following the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, and, this time, I’m using autumnal free stock photos as “inspiration.”

3624676 - autumn composition
Copyright: funlovingvolvo / 123RF Stock Photo

Continue reading Stupid Haikus 3

Nature’s Beautiful?

There’s a lot going on in the world right now, but for a moment I will turn away from the intensity of fear and hope in order to navel gaze. I am apparently a millennial after all.

I love nature shows and documentaries. I am especially susceptible to their excessively emotional scores. So when I watch something like this:

I usually end up verklempt.

via GIPHY

Ohmygod that was so beautiful and the world is full of breathless mystery and I swear I’ll never eat meat again and I’ll hug a dog and look into its huge, warm eyes like Krishna’s mother seeing the world in his mouth and I’ll bike everywhere like a Communist to save the Earth.

When I’m confronted with actual nature, that is, in real life without a score, it looks more like this:

My heart’s in the right place, kind of, but I have no idea what the hell is going on. Then I have an Italian beef or something and drive three blocks somewhere.

Perhaps there’s a message here about the difference between eliciting emotion and eliciting action, or perhaps it’s more evidence that sometimes I’m just kind of a crappy person.

Reasons, Technically, to Bear Offspring

My mother told me that she didn’t care if I ever give her grandchildren in much the same way she told me that I didn’t have to become a doctor: sincerely with an undercurrent of disappointment. I remember the home movies she took of my tantrums, all snot and rage and throwing shoes out of the shoe rank. Watching the old VHS tapes with images of my fits popping up between piano recitals and birthday parties, I knew that if I ever had a child I’d be cursed with one like myself.

And yet, I keep finding reasons to have children. Continue reading Reasons, Technically, to Bear Offspring

Thank You for Calling

Thank you for calling Insuracablutility Conglomerate. Your call is important to us, and we are committed to using confusion and obfuscation to ensure that you will call us again.

Our current wait time is between 3 hours and the next new moon. If you would like the false hope provided by leaving your contact information and a detailed voice message, please press #. Otherwise, please continue to hold.

You have chosen to continue to hold. Our current wait time is between 5 hours and the crowning of the next British monarch. As a service to you, Insuracablutility Conglomerate provides a variety of hold music. Please select the hold music that will best mold your emotional state for when, or if, you speak to a customer service representative.

For a sense of unfounded optimism that will inevitably be betrayed, please press 1 for “Un Bel Di.”

Continue reading Thank You for Calling

What Women Want

There’s been so much crap going on in the world, and, honestly, I just don’t have the wherewithal to talk about it. I thought about bloggin’ about it, but no dice. So today, I will ramble about the ancient film “What Women Want” and what it got wrong. Pretty much all the women are terrible caricatures with no interiority despite literal access to their innermost thoughts, but there are some pretty grievous errors.
Continue reading What Women Want

Stupid Haikus 2

The haiku is a subtle, elegant art form. The spareness of words makes each one fecund with meaning. They are shorter than a tweet, yet evoke scenery, emotion, and the passing of time. The following are not haikus, in that fashion. They are silly “poems” that follow the 5-7-5 syllable scheme and are prompted by free stock photos (and one hilarious photo of the family dog.)

Continue reading Stupid Haikus 2

Masculinizing Vegetables

As long as we believe that the sole purpose of salads is for women to laugh alone with them, there’s going to be a lot of macho men avoiding vegetables to keep their cojones intact. An understandable reaction, I daresay!

But I want to be part of the solution, dear readers. Men should be able to enjoy vegetables with gusto! Not only because they’re good for you (depending upon medication and whatnot), but because they’re delicious! Alas, vegetables cannot win over a population just because they’re awesome. If there’s anything I learned about getting people to do stuff, it’s that you need to speak to your audience about their values, in this case, cojones integrity.

Continue reading Masculinizing Vegetables