Nature’s Beautiful?

There’s a lot going on in the world right now, but for a moment I will turn away from the intensity of fear and hope in order to navel gaze. I am apparently a millennial after all.

I love nature shows and documentaries. I am especially susceptible to their excessively emotional scores. So when I watch something like this:

I usually end up verklempt.


Ohmygod that was so beautiful and the world is full of breathless mystery and I swear I’ll never eat meat again and I’ll hug a dog and look into its huge, warm eyes like Krishna’s mother seeing the world in his mouth and I’ll bike everywhere like a Communist to save the Earth.

When I’m confronted with actual nature, that is, in real life without a score, it looks more like this:

My heart’s in the right place, kind of, but I have no idea what the hell is going on. Then I have an Italian beef or something and drive three blocks somewhere.

Perhaps there’s a message here about the difference between eliciting emotion and eliciting action, or perhaps it’s more evidence that sometimes I’m just kind of a crappy person.

Reasons, Technically, to Bear Offspring

My mother told me that she didn’t care if I ever give her grandchildren in much the same way she told me that I didn’t have to become a doctor: sincerely with an undercurrent of disappointment. I remember the home movies she took of my tantrums, all snot and rage and throwing shoes out of the shoe rank. Watching the old VHS tapes with images of my fits popping up between piano recitals and birthday parties, I knew that if I ever had a child I’d be cursed with one like myself.

And yet, I keep finding reasons to have children. Continue reading Reasons, Technically, to Bear Offspring

Thank You for Calling

Thank you for calling Insuracablutility Conglomerate. Your call is important to us, and we are committed to using confusion and obfuscation to ensure that you will call us again.

Our current wait time is between 3 hours and the next new moon. If you would like the false hope provided by leaving your contact information and a detailed voice message, please press #. Otherwise, please continue to hold.

You have chosen to continue to hold. Our current wait time is between 5 hours and the crowning of the next British monarch. As a service to you, Insuracablutility Conglomerate provides a variety of hold music. Please select the hold music that will best mold your emotional state for when, or if, you speak to a customer service representative.

For a sense of unfounded optimism that will inevitably be betrayed, please press 1 for “Un Bel Di.”

Continue reading Thank You for Calling

What Is Your Green Personality?

Being ecologically friendly has become a more common virtue instead of the purview of socialist hippies. However, it is important to know your Green Personality to better facilitate the ways you will naturally be more green. Because we’re talking about human personality, I think they can best be summed up by four types and no more.

The Consumer

Copyright: <a href=''>samotrebizan / 123RF Stock Photo</a>
I’m a walking cliché!

Any chance you have to buy something is a chance to prove your commitment to the environment. Packaging on any product should have no fewer than three of the following: a cheerful green leaf, the recycling symbol, the declaration that the product is free of something, a symbol stating that the product is organic, the words “pure,” “local,” “natural,” “vegan,” or “raw,” the homey names of the company owners, or undyed brown paper that is not necessarily post-consumer. When friends enter your home, they will see that you only choose the best gluten-free, natural, glycerin hand soap and that you have eschewed the cotton towels you already have for new eco-friendly, sustainably-sourced bamboo towels. You will invest thousands of dollars to save a few bucks on heating and cooling each year. In the warm glow of your retail therapy, you know you’re doing your bit to save the earth.

Continue reading What Is Your Green Personality?

Drew & Tom Find a Cat

“Hey, Drew,” Mina says, “is everything okay? Did my package arrive?”

“Uh, yeah. Not yet. I was just, you know, checking up with you. I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you.”

Her sigh crackles over the phone connection. “Well, you know how these things are. Hurry up and wait! The surgery went pretty well, so we’re just waiting to see how Dad recovers.” Her pause stretches out over several seconds. “Thanks for checking in, I guess.”

“Hehe, well, I was just, you know, being neighborly! Lookin’ out for you!” Drew tries to swallow, but his mouth is dry.

“Right. Okay. Well, thanks again. I gotta go.”

“Sure, yeah. Bye now!” Drew hangs up and looks at the blank screen of his phone. “I lost your fucking cat.”

Continue reading Drew & Tom Find a Cat