Thank You for Calling

Thank you for calling Insuracablutility Conglomerate. Your call is important to us, and we are committed to using confusion and obfuscation to ensure that you will call us again.

Our current wait time is between 3 hours and the next new moon. If you would like the false hope provided by leaving your contact information and a detailed voice message, please press #. Otherwise, please continue to hold.

You have chosen to continue to hold. Our current wait time is between 5 hours and the crowning of the next British monarch. As a service to you, Insuracablutility Conglomerate provides a variety of hold music. Please select the hold music that will best mold your emotional state for when, or if, you speak to a customer service representative.

For a sense of unfounded optimism that will inevitably be betrayed, please press 1 for “Un Bel Di.”

For poorly hid frustration leading to such phrases as, “I know it’s not your fault; you’re just doing your job,” please press 2 for “Casta Diva.”

For the grim determination to be on the phone as long as it takes, even if it means speaking while on the toilet, please press 3 for Mozart’s Requiem.

For calmness that devolves into indignant, righteous anger, please press 4 for Movement II of Beethoven’s 7th Symphony.

For a mixture of bitterness and sadness that will lead to embarrassing tears and nothing getting accomplished, please press 5 for Movement III of Shostakovich’s 5th Symphony.

For a sense of existential nausea and anxiety regarding your call and what the world is coming to, please press 6 for “Tristan und Isolde: Prelude.”

For defiant, all-encompassing rage with the sole goal of yelling at someone, please press 7 for 50 Cent’s “My Gun Go Off.”

To repeat these options, please press #.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important to us insomuch as we have the infrastructure to receive your call. The expected wait time is between 6 hours and the waking of Our Dread Lord beneath the sea.

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